-NEWS AT ELEVEN

I’m not intentionally trying to be humorous here but there are things I hear on the news from time to time that puzzle me:

-“A man was shot to death this morning in a senseless killing.” (As opposed to last night’s murder that made perfect sense?) According to neighbors, the victim was a respectable, God-fearing man…” (Will somebody explain to me why anybody of moral conscience would actually fear God?)

-“During these tough economic times, financial experts warn us not to put all our eggs in one basket.”  (Meaning I should ask for twelve individual containers when I buy a dozen eggs?)

-“Police had to be called in to quell a disturbance initiated by a group of rednecks.” (I understand the concept of the term ‘redneck’: a stereotypical depiction of a bigoted, uneducated, usually Southern good ol’ boy, but what does the color of his neck have to do with anything? Is it because the implication is that he has some blue-collar outdoor job and is vulnerable to a sunburn? Is his neck any more red than a lumberjack’s or a crab fisherman and,  if not, does that mean that lumberjacks and crab fishermen are also rednecks?)

-”When asked if he would retaliate against the verbal slurs thrown at him by his political opponent, he answered that he would not ‘make any bones about it‘.” (I think that it’s great that he’s taking the high road but please explain to me what in the hell that phrase even means? What does ‘making bones’ have to do with anything? And how in the hell do you even make a bone?)

-When asked how he managed to quit smoking, he simply replied, “I did it cold turkey.” (I‘ve never had any success by trying to quit cold turkey but I did have a little success when I quit warm turkey.)

-”…and remember, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!” (I don’t want any damn chigger-infested bird in my hand! Leave it with the other two in the bush where they belong!)